One person at a time

It’s funny, when I’m talking to friends I have a story for everything. There is a back story to almost every statement for all of us and for me, they come to mind very easily when I’m talking. If you know me you know that talking is something I do very well, to the point where it’s hard to shut me up sometimes. So it baffles me that I sit down at my computer to write and the back story disappears. Gone…off into the wild blue yonder. My thought is that when I write, I need to be inspired and there are a lot of things that inspire me but lately, put the pressure on to get it down and I’m blank.  I never draw a blank about anything. I have a thought or an opinion about every single thing I can think of…so what the hell?

So, a little about me today, like it or not. I’m 53 years old and I’ve been begrudgingly living in Houston, TX for the last 18 months.  I say that because I left my house, my 2 grown kids, my Mom and my pets back in New Mexico to take a job here. I didn’t feel at the time, like I had much of a choice. They sold the plant I was working in and there weren’t any real options so when this came up I took it.  It’s a good company to work for and I have a fantastic boss but the truth is, I want to go home.  The problem is there aren’t many good paying jobs there and I’m getting older.  Yes, my age plays into it. It’s not like there are a lot of businesses out there clamoring for older employees. The fact is, I do want to actually retire at some point, although I think I will have to work until I drop dead anyway. But the dream of retirement is still there regardless so here I am. I don’t hate Houston actually, but I’m not fond of hot weather and for six months out of the year it’s just too damn hot for me down here. The other 6 months are bearable, but just barely.  Although I used to be, I’m not terribly social anymore so getting out into the crowds doesn’t thrill me. I’m content to be by myself, enjoying the quiet, posting on social media or reading. During football season I’m an avid Seahawks fan, I have a soft spot for the Cowboys and I’m a die hard liberal. I stay involved in politics because it’s interesting to me and because I worry about future generations.

Now before you go off on the football or the political affiliation thing…remember this: It’s my blog, so there.  I know there are a lot of people out there who love their team or who wouldn’t agree with me politically and I accept that.  So in return, you either accept me despite my NFL and political affiliations, or not.  It’s okay if you don’t, it doesn’t really matter to me either way.  If we are friends, we love each other anyway and if we aren’t friends it’s just not that relevant.

I’m also an avid animal advocate. I have a deep sense of obligation toward all animals but especially toward dogs and cats and the whole shelter problem in the US. There are too many animals for the shelters and not enough people adopting. I cannot stand the fact that so many animals are euthanized in the US every year for no other reason that no one wants them, just can’t bear it. I feel the same way about children and old people, it makes me sick that we’ve become a society of “disposables.”  Everything is disposable. Cast away like a used paper plate as if they don’t matter anymore.  I struggle badly with that. I don’t understand how anyone can do that to an animal, a child or an older person, I really don’t.

I am like a lot of folks in that I wish I would have made better decisions early on in life. I wish I would have known what I wanted when I was 18 but I didn’t. I tried college, eh… I tried working, eh…I even tried getting married…which didn’t work out either.  I’ve always worked regardless, but there was a point in time when I really just wanted to stay home and raise my babies for a while. My husband at the time said he was okay with that but he really wasn’t. It became a bone of contention in the relationship, along with a lot of other bones. (Another blog entirely)  I tell people all the time that I think everyone should get married at least once, but I honestly don’t see myself ever getting married again. Happily divorced is how I describe it because it’s how I feel. Married 11 years, divorced now going on 14 and I’ve loved every minute. Even the hard times…and there have been a few…were better when it was just me and the kids. I wish I could say he was a great father but he wasn’t, and I’m very glad to say my kids are okay regardless…I think.  They’ve grown up to be independent, happy, decent human beings and that’s all I could ask for. I’m grateful for my Mom and Dad because they were there for the three of us every step of the way.

I have to say, now that the kids are mostly grown things are easier in some ways. Of course the aging thing sucks, but it can’t be avoided.  Not sure how many women out there can relate but the whole menopause thing really blows.  I never realized how much our hormones play into our brain function until I lost them. Holy cow…what a ride. It’s amazing to me the people who tell me they’ve not had any problems with it. I almost hate them…almost.  I’m okay now but the last 3 years have been a roller coaster ride of night sweats, hot flashes, panic attacks, you name it.  I’ve finally gotten what’s left of my hormones under some semblance of control…but it really pisses me off that men don’t go through the same thing.  They should have to go through exactly what we do in my opinion. They call us crazy but we are really just a product of our hormones.  No control whatsoever sometimes.  Couldn’t come up with a rational statement if our lives depended on it and yet…so much in control in so many ways.  What an enigma we women are. Pretty damn awesome if you ask me.

I find myself homesick lately. Homesick for my family in Gallup, homesick for my friends in Pittsburgh. I have family here that I love dearly but I miss my people in New Mexico and my SNPJ family.   I love Facebook because it keeps me in touch but it also makes me miss some of the people I don’t get to see very often. SNPJ you ask…it’s a Slovenian fraternal organization that my grandmother was a charter member of and it’s carried through the generations. I love my SNPJ family…what awesome people they are. My Mom is first generation American, both parents immigrated from Slovenia. (former Yugoslavia)  It’s an awesome way to stay in touch with my heritage and I’ve met some of the most lovely people and made some of my best friends through this club.

Life isn’t easy and comparatively, my life hasn’t been so hard. I’m not complaining, but wow…it’s funny how when I look back I would have made such different decisions and yet, if I hadn’t made the choices you did, I wouldn’t be where I am now in terms of so many things. Would I have chosen Houston, probably not, but I’m here for a reason and I have to trust that. There just wasn’t much job wise to choose from back home at the time and we do what we have to do. Would I have chosen to get married if I had known then what I know now?  Yes, a thousand times yes because I wouldn’t have the kids I do if I hadn’t gotten married so some choices were exactly to get where I am, can’t argue that even if I didn’t know it at the time.

So onto the future…and the good things to come. I believe in science and I also believe that if you believe in science then you believe in energy and the entire universe is nothing but energy. Raise your own vibration of energy and you raise the collective vibration. It’s all relative…it’s science and in my humble opinion, it’s also very much what a spiritual existence consists of. It’s the energy you put out that comes back. Yin and yang, give and take…no matter what you believe in, these things are fundamental. I believe in prayer because I think it’s positive energy. I think it would be arrogant to think that there isn’t an energy or two that isn’t higher than ours, whether you call it God or the Universe or whatever your chosen title is.  Do I believe in miracles?  Yes I do…I believe that sometimes things happen that we can’t explain and I would call those things miracles.  I think a miracle is a perception of energy that is much larger than our normal perception and we recognize that so we call it a miracle. I also think that if you re-program your perception, you will see miracles every day.

What does the future hold?  I can see it in my mind’s eye, I am moving forward one step at a time and the truth is, anything can happen so why not this?  Why not me? Why not?

One person at a time.

Love and light…





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